Last month for the first month of Butterfly Journal, I self-reflected on why I felt it was time to return to the darkness of the cocoon and to the depths of my psyche, and I reflected on the synchronistic astrological transits of Neptune going retrograde in Pisces, and retrograde Saturn returning to Scorpio. Now for the second month it’s time to see what is truly in the darkness. Here is the prompt for month #2:
The process of self-reflection to make new beginnings requires us to be truthful with ourselves. We cannot change, grow, or move forward if we do not know where we are starting from. Being truthful with ourselves opens up pathways we may not have otherwise seen. In Truth, the journey is now underway.
For the second month, continue to develop the clarity that comes from being honest with yourself. Also, reflect upon the ways and situations that you may not be honest with yourself or others, and ask yourself: “why?”
Over the past couple of years I have often asked myself: “Why am I still living here?” Moving into the family home was only supposed to be for a few months until I figured out where I wanted to live back in my home state. It has turned into a few years. For those of you who followed along with my previous Butterfly Journal journey (see previous journal posts), you know that I ended up becoming my mother’s caretaker. After her passing a year ago, I hoped to be able to move on, but then my father became ill, and once again I stayed to be a caretaker (though this time it is not so confining since I am now able to work and build my practice, etc.).
However, as much as the ego identity of “Julie” felt trapped, stuck, taken advantage of, and frustrated during much of the past few years, I, my soul and the depths of my psyche, knew that this entire process and experience was necessary to heal ancient, ancestral, childhood, and even past life wounds concerning family members. The acceptance and understanding of this profound Truth has helped me to set aside my ego’s anger, hurt, and frustration to create the space for healing, growth, and metamorphic change.
Though much of the above may sound like, and is, about deep Truths, I can go deeper. There also must have been a part of me that wanted to be here for so long, and indeed there was. This past Spring I took the Caroline Myss Sacred Contracts and Archetype Consultant Course, partly to educate myself to enhance my Life Coaching practice for my clients and partly to journey further into my own psyche and psychology for further growth. The process forced me to see and embrace a part of me that had been depleted and unconsciously rejected and then bring it into my conscious awareness.
I must back-track a bit for you, but will work through this archetypal “enlightenment” in the journal posts to come. In 2011 and into 2012, before moving into the family home, I had a dream series in which I would kill a little boy. Yes, shocking, so much so I always woke up immediately after the murder. I also had one dream that was different, but I include it in this series because it had a boy in it. In this dream the boy came up to me and told me he loved me.
It is on the whole probably that we continually dream, but that consciousness makes such a noise that we do not hear it. – C.G. Jung
It has only been in the last couple of months that I have come to understand what these dreams were about. In summary: my animus (the boy) was tired, weak, depleted, and under- or poorly developed … you could say I was killing it. Most of my life I have had to have a very strong animus, yang, or masculine side, fending for and supporting myself. But it’s not that my anima, yin, or feminine side was ignored in the process either. My two sides had just become so out of balance, first from one extreme (too much animus) and then to the other (nearly depleted), that if I didn’t stop or change things, I might have completely killed my animus. These dreams in my unconscious were warning my conscious self that changing my life completely was a matter of life and death.
What awakened me to this dream interpretation understanding was the process of casting my wheel of archetypes in my archetype consulting coursework, which I will go into in the next journal entry.
One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious. – C.G. Jung