In the last journal entry I discussed the challenges of dealing with my mother’s behavior, especially her violence. With the addition of her Alzheimer’s it is often a futile situation, and I concluded the entry saying: How do my thoughts, feelings, and actions affect my mother’s behaviors? Thinking thoughts of compassion and understanding, I hope, help her on the soul level. Trying not to be angry and staying calm but firm when she is difficult and violent seems to help, at least temporarily (though I do admit to yelling at her too which can be more effective, but I’d prefer not to get to that point). Any acts of helping and kindness are not really appreciated by her, but that’s not expected. All I can do is continue to be aware of myself in all that I think, say, feel, and do… and pray for peace.
It is interesting and amazingly beautiful to watch myself, to become aware of the processes taking place, as I deal with the futility, the violence, and the frustration. As mentioned above, there are times when the only way to handle some of the situations with my mother is to yell at her, and recently I have consciously allowed myself to just let it all out – sort of at her, but also at the abusive and neglectful relationships that had come into my life that were other versions of my non-relationship with my mother.
As mentioned in earlier journal entries, I knew that completely giving up the life I had created and moving back to my home was to complete a healing journey for me. These recent “letting it all out” moments have so beautifully released so much of what I call “gunk”. I often used to tell my clients: You gotta get the crap out to create the space for healing. And: Healing doesn’t feel good. The aches and pains are signs that your body is working hard to heal. This applies to physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual healing, for really they cannot be separated. I have become very much aware that letting out the painful emotions of frustration and anger has been part of my own healing process.
As we heal from negative emotions, both those on the conscious level and those that bubble up from the unconscious, from our shadows, and from long past experiences, we must feel those emotions as they work their way through our energy fields and release. Just like when we have the flu virus – our bodies must work it through our physical systems to release it. No, the fevers, chills, sweating, and vomiting or diarrhea do not feel good, but if the body does not release the virus, we do not heal and survive. Likewise, not allowing negative or unpleasant emotions to be released from our bodies and minds will lead to illness in body and mind.
I’ve always believed in feeling and embracing our emotions, so I hope this entry helps others to understand why they may be feeling negative emotions, especially when they seem to come out of nowhere or pop up when they are doing healing work (this is very common, so just let it out – cry, let out a scream, laugh hysterically…). Feel your experience, for it is part of the creation of you. Our lives are works of art, and there is beauty in it all!
Life isn’t about finding yourself; life is about creating yourself. – George Bernard Shaw
In order to be created, a work of art must first make use of the dark forces of the soul. – Albert Camus
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