Butterfly Journal: Awareness (Entry #3)


In the last journal entry I discussed the challenges of dealing with my mother’s behavior, especially her violence. With the addition of her Alzheimer’s it is often a futile situation, and I concluded the entry saying: How do my thoughts, feelings, and actions affect my mother’s behaviors? Thinking thoughts of compassion and understanding, I hope, help her on the soul level. Trying not to be angry and staying calm but firm when she is difficult and violent seems to help, at least temporarily (though I do admit to yelling at her too which can be more effective, but I’d prefer not to get to that point). Any acts of helping and kindness are not really appreciated by her, but that’s not expected. All I can do is continue to be aware of myself in all that I think, say, feel, and do… and pray for peace.

It is interesting and amazingly beautiful to watch myself, to become aware of the processes taking place, as I deal with the futility, the violence, and the frustration. As mentioned above, there are times when the only way to handle some of the situations with my mother is to yell at her, and recently I have consciously allowed myself to just let it all out – sort of at her, but also at the abusive and neglectful relationships that had come into my life that were other versions of my non-relationship with my mother.

As mentioned in earlier journal entries, I knew that completely giving up the life I had created and moving back to my home was to complete a healing journey for me. These recent “letting it all out” moments have so beautifully released so much of what I call “gunk”. I often used to tell my clients: You gotta get the crap out to create the space for healing. And: Healing doesn’t feel good. The aches and pains are signs that your body is working hard to heal. This applies to physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual healing, for really they cannot be separated. I have become very much aware that letting out the painful emotions of frustration and anger has been part of my own healing process.

As we heal from negative emotions, both those on the conscious level and those that bubble up from the unconscious, from our shadows, and from long past experiences, we must feel those emotions as they work their way through our energy fields and release. Just like when we have the flu virus – our bodies must work it through our physical systems to release it. No, the fevers, chills, sweating, and vomiting or diarrhea do not feel good, but if the body does not release the virus, we do not heal and survive. Likewise, not allowing negative or unpleasant emotions to be released from our bodies and minds will lead to illness in body and mind.

I’ve always believed in feeling and embracing our emotions, so I hope this entry helps others to understand why they may be feeling negative emotions, especially when they seem to come out of nowhere or pop up when they are doing healing work (this is very common, so just let it out – cry, let out a scream, laugh hysterically…). Feel your experience, for it is part of the creation of you. Our lives are works of art, and there is beauty in it all!

Life isn’t about finding yourself; life is about creating yourself.                                              – George Bernard Shaw

In order to be created, a work of art must first make use of the dark forces of the soul.     – Albert Camus

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About Julianne Victoria

I am a Spiritual Counselor, Shamanic Healer, Writer, & Creator. I hope to help heal, teach, and inspire others on their souls' journeys and in this life. © Julianne Victoria and Through the Peacock's Eyes Press under the Common Law Copyright www.juliannevictoria.com
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24 Responses to Butterfly Journal: Awareness (Entry #3)

  1. Lovely ❤ ❤ hugs for this great article. u deserve the best. May your mother heal as quickly as possible.

  2. Wow, I guess I had missed that piece of information about your Mom. All my love directed to you.
    ✿ღ✿ღ.¸¸ღ♫*¨`*•..¸ƸӜƷ ✿ღ ✫❀
    💋 •❤٠·˙✿
    (¯`✿´¯) (¯`✿´¯)
    *`•.¸(¯`✿´¯)¸.•´ * *Ḻ✿ṽ℮
    *✿*.` •.¸.•´*✿*• .¸¸.`•´¯✿★ ° . . ¸. * ¸ . ●   . ☾ °☆  . * ● ¸ . ★ ° :.  . • ○ ° ★  .  * .      .   °  . ● .   ° ☾ °☆  ¸. ● .  ★  ★ ° ☾ ☆ ¸. ¸  ★  :.  . • ○ ° ★  .  * . .  ¸ .   °  ¸. * ● ¸ .    ° ☾ °  ¸. ● ¸ .  ★ ° :.  . • °   .  * :. . ¸ . ● ¸    ★  ★☾ °★ .     .  °☆  . ● ¸ .   ★ ° .  • ○ ° ★  .       * .  ☾ °  ¸. * ● ¸     ° ☾ °☆  . * ¸.   . ¸. * .¸. *
    ★ ° . . 

  3. fozziemum says:

    I can empathise with you so much ..Christmas was trying with a non responsive mother..she is so much a passenger in her own life and never driving her self…I did get frustrated and even though I bit my tongue at times I have been venting since..i do this with humour…I find the amusing side of the situation…my way of dealing with things…but my body paid me paid me back by hurting for the next few days…we learn I suppose…eventually to listen 🙂 hugs Fozziemum xx

  4. Hi Julianne,

    Thank you for the honesty and generosity of your post. I’ve been away from WordPress for a while (yet again) and have been struggling to write on my own blog or even stay connected to all the writers whose work I appreciate in this space.

    Your post is a beautiful reminder that there is no other work than the healing that is taking place within me right now. Rather than trying to heal without writing I actually need to write in order to heal – to give words to all the emotions that swirl around.

    Blessings to you at the turn of another calendar year – may you be surrounded by love and support now and throughout 2014.

    • Thank you Nic! Yes, writing to help heal can be very powerful, even if it’s just for you privately (or expressing it on WP for others to read and gain insight from). Sometimes writing things out is a form of releasing and bringing closure too. Let it flow, and see where it takes you. 🙂

      I hope the new year brings in much healing, growing, and beautiful experiences for you! Namaste _/l\_

  5. What a touching post, thanks for sharing.

  6. I’ve always loved that quote by George Bernard Shaw. Happy Holidays. I enjoy your blog

  7. Reena Davis says:

    I needed that today! Thanks so much for sharing it.

  8. On a soul level I have no doubts what so ever that Healing is happening to you both Julianne, Some of us have to send out via our thoughts as I never got that chance to tell my Mother, a wound which spanned too long that never got mended when on Earth.. But we are in that era of karmic alignment and much cleansing is taking place right now, both at our own soul levels and of course around our Earth….
    I write this from my Bed as I caught another flu type virus which again is cleansing the gunk out of me .. Preparing me for a New Year no doubt…

    So allow what comes to come, and shouting isn’t bad, we have to release tension and I know only too well, with having in-laws who both suffered this awful disease what its like for you ..

    I hope also you are seeking some respite care too for your Mum, for if not you will become over stretched and it can be very wearing and draining, which I know leaves tempers ever shorter…

    Thinking of you and sending you my thoughts as we head into 2014 and wishing you and yours a Better Brighter, Healthy New Year..
    Love and Blessings
    Sue xox

    • Yes, cleansing indeed! I know that the challenges I’ve faced in this life have been necessary, preparation even testing, for my dharma. I have always known since (before) birth that I am here to help, but I need to experience the challenges of life on and in this world and be clear of karma.
      I do make sure I have plenty of time to take care of myself and to work on what I need to do, for I cannot help others if I do not help myself. Yes, shouting isn’t bad, and I have always let things out, usually in private for the deepest stuff, but I have no qualms of letting out a cry of pain or singing in joy in public. 🙂
      Thank you for your kind thoughts and I wish you cleansing and healing of your gunk for a bright, beautiful, and free-feeling New Year!

  9. Aggie says:

    I don’t know that this is the appropriate place to write this, but it occurred to me as I read this. Those of us who come into this life as givers (though we all have equal value, there ARE givers and takers) must learn to find a balance point. We must limit our giving to sustain self. Part of the way that balance is achieved is by expressing strong emotion, and sometimes anger. I guess this is a rewording of a process that is familiar to me.

    • You hit the nail on the head! 🙂 Yes, part of my healing was understanding over-giving, to the point where I allowed others to take from me and vampiristically suck my dry. I am a very giving person, and many are happy to just take, or choose not to be aware of the value of what they receive so as not to have to feel guilt in not giving themselves. I don’t expect gratitude in return, but have learned that I can choose the type of people I allow into my personal life – kind and grateful vs. selfish and greedy.
      I do laugh at myself though, because even with the blog, I try to give as much free service as I can (yearly horoscope, tarotscopes, and now the free Tarot Tuesday), and though most have been appreciative, some have wanted more from me instead of realizing that I am giving so much. I think many only think in terms of monetary value of giving instead of what the true overall value of the gift is. I have always struggled financially, and it has been hard when people don’t appreciate how much I give because they are not getting money or expensive things. But, those are their issues to deal with, and I will joyfully give what I can when I can without putting my survival needs at risk. 😉

  10. Now I see where your Vedic Scorpio Ascendant shows up Julianne. This post illustrates the lessons of Pluto in action. While I wish you less pain and suffering, I am seeing how you are really claiming your power in accepting and allowing all of your experiences to move in you and through you. How deep and appropriate for today’s Scorpio moon.

    I learn so much from you my friend, thank you for all you do. I appreciate you!


  11. smilecalm says:

    wonderful knowing
    despite the difficulty
    how loving speech
    from the heart
    is offered
    to your mother 🙂

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